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FX: auctioneer's hammer

Sold to Mrs Helena Croft for 2 guineas.

Lot number 4. One mahogany bedside cabinet with flowered porcelain nature receptacle.

One folk-loom twill and lace anti-macassar.

One Hepplewhite telescope tripod with a tarnished brass securing screw.

One ima-table-martion(chuckle)... One imitation marble wash-stand with purification dish and fish attachment.

One anti-burglar, self-preservator head bludgeon, sand-filled and hand-sewn brown leather.

Two cleverly inquandirc hand operated brown oak candle holders, with additional string.

One stuffed Gallapagos giant turtle on wheels, with clockwork revolving eyes.

Two bottles of imitation wax fruit. One banana, ruefully chipped. Once the property of the late Lord Frederick Crapton-Leigh of Mana.

One brown (lots of coughing) with extra string

One brown leather moquette fire-side chair

One engraved kapok-filled artic tea cosy, with additional string and computer.

One brass iron-bound bedstead, with spring head manipulator and foot operated mallet.

A similar lot.

Seven and a half pairs of brown damask curtains, with foam rubber lining. Well known in Belgravia.

One cut-glass Delft claret decanter, with extra string.

One brass and metal three foot six bedstead, with hair cord anti-tick mattress and sundry attachments.

A similar lot.

Another lot.

One collection of high altitude eagle studies.

Two volumes on how to wean vultures.

One volume on how to leave vultures alone.

Collection of unknotted string in hand twined balls, and vice versa which ever be greater to the power to ten.

Fourteen man mounted ivory monkeys, cut from single wrought iron elephant tusk, and signed Jim Yakamoto of Leeds.

One kiln-fired clay hairy Alsatian, answering to the name of Tom, Dick or Harry and in that order.

One Sheraton stirrup cup, squatted brown and needlux, the property of the Quorn Hunt, and a similar lot.

One box of brown hair cord buttons, each containing two or four perforations.

A similar lot.

One early X-ray photo of Florence Nightingale's teeth facing east. Extra string in abundance.

One child's hangman's kit, once used.

Two heavy brown boxes on brass stilts.

One polished monogram brass-bound box, containing three pairs of domestic knee protectors.

One throat mallet.

One small brown pot, containing... another small brown pot.

One iron bound uncle frightener in three foot lengths.

One auntie disintegrator in matted hair cloth.

One pair of anonymous fruit bowls with appliances...