Peter Cook

The scene is a theatrical producer's office

 

 

Peter:

Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spigott, I believe it is.

Enter Dudley, hopping energetically on one leg

Peter:

Mr. Spigott, I believe?

Dudley:

Yes — Spigott by name, Spigott by nature. (keeps hopping)

Peter:

Yes... if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spigott. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spigott you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Tarzan?

Dudley:

Right.

Peter:

Now, Mr. Spigott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.

Dudley:

You noticed that?

Peter:

I noticed that, Mr. Spigott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spigott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan — a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.

Dudley:

Correct.

Peter:

And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.

Dudley:

Right.

Peter:

A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.

Dudley:

Very true.

Peter:

Well, Mr. Spigott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

Dudley:

Yes, I think you ought to.

Peter:

Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.

Dudley:

The leg division?

Peter:

Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spigott. You are deficient in it — to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said ‘A lovely leg for the role.’ I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is — neither have you. You fall down on your left.

Dudley:

You mean it's inadequate?

Peter:

Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Spigott. And, to my mind, the British public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged ape-man swinging through the jungly tendrils.

Dudley:

I see.

Peter:

However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying ‘Get out. Run away’.

Dudley:

So there's still a chance?

Peter:

There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you'll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.

Dudley:

Well... thank you very much.

Peter:

So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you.

He shows Dudley out

Peter:

I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you realise, it's really a two-legged man we're after. Good morning Mr. Spigott.