Bebop's Fables : Jack and the Beanstalk

by Steve Allen

Hi kiddies, this is your old Uncle Steve again with another Bebop's Fable.

Once upon a time, in the land of oollya-flip, there lived a poor boy named Jack.

One day, Jack and his mother decided to take inventory.

"One cow", said Jack. "Don't look now, boy" said his mother, "but we just finished. So here's the lick: you take this beat-up bovine to market, and don't come back without some real loot".

Well, on the road, Jack chanced to meet a gent in be-bop glasses and suede shoes..

"Hey man", said the stranger "what are you doing with that here now cow?"

"I'm gonna turn her in for a year's supply of money" said Jack, "the cost of living's gone up to 5-80 a quart, you know".

"Pops" said the stranger, "I can see that when it comes to cows you don't know a hill of beans. I'll make you an offer here and now."

"What's your offer?" said Jack.

"A hill of beans" said the stranger, "but dig, these are magic beans."

"Are they jumping beans?" said Jack.

"Man" said the stranger, "these are the jumpingest".

"Nutty!" said Jack.

Now when he told his mother what had transpired, she said "Jackson - you know what I like about you is you got an open mind. You got holes in your head!"

Well, it was with a heavy heart and a lumpy skull that Jack retired that night, having thrown his beans out into the garden. Imagine his surprise, when in the morning he saw a beanstalk that stretched high into the sky.

"Mama" he shouted "Look! It came from outer space."

"Ooh man", said his mother, "You were born stupid, and you've been losing ground ever since. This 3D broccoli is headed the other way, now get up it quick and see what the bid is."

Well Jack began to climb the beanstalk. At last he found himself in the clouds, and even more surprising, at the gates of a strange castle. Curious, he entered the castle and found a Giant asleep at a table. As Jack entered, the Giant stirred.

"Fee, fi, fo, fum" said the Giant.

"Oollya-poppa-dow" said Jack, trying to find the key.

"Fee, fi, fo, fum" said the Giant.

"Oh, muf, of, if, eef" said Jack.

"What's that?" said the Giant.

"That's fee, fi, fo, fum spelled backwards", said Jack. "Look, I know you bop cats like to get high, but this room is ridiculous. Where are we?"

"This is my castle" said the Giant.

"All right, Charlie" said Jack "when you're ready to get off here, wire me. In the meantime, when do we latch on to this crazy bird you've got on the table?"

"Oh man," said the Giant, "this is the goose that lays the golden eggs."

"Daddy-o" said Jack, "I hope I can play this conversation back after you rejoin the Earth people". But, at that moment the goose laid a golden egg before Jack's very eyes.

"I take it all back, man" said Jack, "This gone gosling is Fort Knox with feathers, for sure. Look, I - er - I didn't bring my library card, but I think I'll take this item home for a few days." And so saying, he boldly grabbed the goose and ran for the castle gate, with the angry Giant in full pursuit.

In a moment, Jack was sliding down the beanstalk like the Firehouse Five plus One, and when he reached the ground he grabbed an axe and began chopping furiously at the base of the stalk. In a matter of seconds the beanstalk toppled, and the Giant was the gonnest.

The goose, thereafter, laid up a storm, and Jack, who was no astute for loot went on a toot with a local beaut, bought himself a zooty-suit and still had a little loot to boot. That is until tax time rolled around. 'Cause man, after taxes Jack had just enough lettuce left to buy himself a cow.

The moral of this story, kiddies, is: No matter what the outcome, if you have a cow that won't give milk... sell him.