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by John Cleese & Graham Chapman
From "At Last The 1948 Show"

 

 

Assistant:

(John Clees) Good morning, sir.

Customer:

(Marty Feldman) Good morning. Can you help me? Do you have a copy of Thirty Days in the Samarkand Desert With a Spoon by A.J. Elliott?

Assistant:

No, we haven't got it in stock, sir.

Customer:

How about A Hundred-and-One Ways to Start a Monsoon?

Assistant:

By... ?

Customer:

An Indian gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment.

Assistant:

Well, I don't know the book, sir.

Customer:

Not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with David Copperfield?

Assistant:

Ah yes, Dickens.

Customer:

No.

Assistant:

I beg your pardon?

Customer:

No. Edmund Wells.

Assistant:

I think you'll find Charles Dickens wrote David Copperfield.

Customer:

No. Charles Dickens wrote David Copperfield with two 'p's... this is David Coperfield with one 'p', by Edmund Wells.

Assistant:

Well, in that case we don't have it.

Customer:

Um... funny, you've got quite a lot of books here.

Assistant:

Yes, we do have quite a lot of books here, but we don't have David Coperfield with one 'p', by Edmund Wells. We only have David Copperfield with two 'p's by Charles Dickens.

Customer:

Pity... it's more thorough than the Dickens.

Assistant:

More thorough?

Customer:

Yes... I wonder if it's worth having a look through all the David Copperfields...

Assistant:

No, no, I'm quite sure that all our David Copperfields have two 'p's.

Customer:

Probably, but the original by Edmund Wells also had two 'p's... it was after that that they ran into copyright difficulties.

Assistant:

No. I'm quite sure that all our David Copperfields with two 'p's are by Charles Dickens.

Customer:

How about Great Expectations?

Assistant:

Ah yes, we have that...

Customer:

That's G-r-a-t-e Expectations. Also by Edmund Wells.

Assistant:

Well in that case we don't have it... we don't have anything by Edmund Wells, actually... he's not very popular.

Customer:

Not Nicholas Nickleby? That's K-n-i-c-k-e-r, Knickerless?

Assistant:

No.

Customer:

Or Christmas Carol with a 'q'?

Assistant:

No. definitely not.

Customer:

Sorry to trouble you.

Assistant:

Not at all.

Customer:

I wonder if you have a copy of Rarnaby Budge?

Assistant:

No, as I say we're right out of Edmund Wells.

Customer:

No, not Edmund Wells... Charles Dickens.

Assistant:

Charles Dickens?

Customer:

Yes.

Assistant:

You mean Barnaby Rudge.

Customer:

No, Rarnaby Budge by Charles Dickens... that's Dikkens with two 'k's, the well-known Dutch author.

Assistant:

No, no... we don't have Rarnaby Budge by Charles Dikkens with two 'k's, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time I should add right away that we don't have Carnaby Fudge by Darles Tikkens, nor Stickwick Stapers by Mile Pikkens with four 'm's and a silent 'q', why don't you try the chemist?

Customer:

I have... they sent me here.

Assistant:

Did they.

Customer:

I wonder if you have The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stoat-Pamphlet and Her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Among the Giant Pygmies of Corsica, Volume Two?

Assistant:

No, no we don't have that one... funny, we've got quite a lot of books here.

Customer:

Yes, haven't you.

Assistant:

Well, I mustn't keep you standing around all day.

Customer:

I wonder...

Assistant:

No, no, we haven't.... I'm closing for lunch now...

Customer:

But I thought I saw it over there.

Assistant:

Where?

Customer:

Over there.

Assistant:

What?

Customer:

Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds.

Assistant:

Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds?

Customer:

Yes.

Assistant:

O-l-s-e-n?

Customer:

Yes.

Assistant:

B-i-r-d-s?

Customer:

Yes.

Assistant:

Yes, well we do have that one.

Customer:

The expurgated version, of course.

Assistant:

I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

Customer:

The expurgated version.

Assistant:

The expurgated version of Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds?

Customer:

Yes. It's the one without the gannet.

Assistant:

The one without the gannet? They've all got the gannet ... it's a standard bird, the gannet... it's in all the books.

Customer:

Well I don't like them, long nasty beaks they've got.

Assistant:

Well you can't expect them to produce a special edition for gannet-haters!

Customer:

Well I'm sorry, I specially want the one without the gannet.

Assistant:

All right! (Tears out the illustration) Anything else?

Customer:

Well I'm not too keen on robins.

Assistant:

Right! Robins... robins... (Tears them out) ...no gannets, no robins... there's your book!

Customer:

I can't buy that... it's torn!

Assistant:

It's torn! So it is! (Throws it away)

Customer:

I wonder if you've got...

Asistant:

Go on, ask me another... we've got lots of books here ... this is a bookshop, you know!

Customer:

How about Biggles Combs His Hair?

Assistant:

No, no, no we don't have that one, no, no, funny... try me again.

Customer:

Have you got Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying?

Assistant:

No, no, we haven't got... which one?

Customer:

Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying.

Assistant:

Ethel the Aardvark? I've seen it We've got it! We've got it! Here! Here! Here! Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying. There! Now... buy it!

Customer:

I haven't got enough money on me.

Assistant:

I'll take a deposit!

Customer:

I haven't got any money on me.

Assistant:

I'll take a cheque!

Customer:

I haven't got a cheque-book.

Assistant:

It's all right, I've got a blank one!

Customer:

I don't have a bank account.

Assistant:

Right! I'll buy it for you! [Rings it up]
There we are, there's your change... that's for the taxi on the way home!

Customer:

Wait, wait, wait...

Assistant:

WHAT? WHAT?

Customer:

I can't read!

Assistant:

Right... SIT!... 'Ethel the Aardvark was trotting down the lane one lovely summer day, trottety-trottety-trot, when she saw a Quantity Surveyor.....'