Bookshop

by John Cleese & Graham Chapman
From "At Last The 1948 Show"

Assistant:
(John Clees) Good morning, sir.
Customer:
(Marty Feldman) Good morning. Can you help me? Do you have a copy of Thirty Days in the Samarkand Desert With a Spoon by A.J. Elliott?
Assistant:
No, we haven't got it in stock, sir.
Customer:
How about A Hundred-and-One Ways to Start a Monsoon?
Assistant:
By... ?
Customer:
An Indian gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment.
Assistant:
Well, I don't know the book, sir.
Customer:
Not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with David Copperfield?
Assistant:
Ah yes, Dickens.
Customer:
No.
Assistant:
I beg your pardon?
Customer:
No. Edmund Wells.
Assistant:
I think you'll find Charles Dickens wrote David Copperfield.
Customer:
No. Charles Dickens wrote David Copperfield with two 'p's... this is David Coperfield with one 'p', by Edmund Wells.
Assistant:
Well, in that case we don't have it.
Customer:
Um... funny, you've got quite a lot of books here.
Assistant:
Yes, we do have quite a lot of books here, but we don't have David Coperfield with one 'p', by Edmund Wells. We only have David Copperfield with two 'p's by Charles Dickens.
Customer:
Pity... it's more thorough than the Dickens.
Assistant:
More thorough?
Customer:
Yes... I wonder if it's worth having a look through all the David Copperfields...
Assistant:
No, no, I'm quite sure that all our David Copperfields have two 'p's.
Customer:
Probably, but the original by Edmund Wells also had two 'p's... it was after that that they ran into copyright difficulties.
Assistant:
No. I'm quite sure that all our David Copperfields with two 'p's are by Charles Dickens.
Customer:
How about Great Expectations?
Assistant:
Ah yes, we have that...
Customer:
That's G-r-a-t-e Expectations. Also by Edmund Wells.
Assistant:
Well in that case we don't have it... we don't have anything by Edmund Wells, actually... he's not very popular.
Customer:
Not Nicholas Nickleby? That's K-n-i-c-k-e-r, Knickerless?
Assistant:
No.
Customer:
Or Christmas Carol with a 'q'?
Assistant:
No. definitely not.
Customer:
Sorry to trouble you.
Assistant:
Not at all.
Customer:
I wonder if you have a copy of Rarnaby Budge?
Assistant:
No, as I say we're right out of Edmund Wells.
Customer:
No, not Edmund Wells... Charles Dickens.
Assistant:
Charles Dickens?
Customer:
Yes.
Assistant:
You mean Barnaby Rudge.
Customer:
No, Rarnaby Budge by Charles Dickens... that's Dikkens with two 'k's, the well-known Dutch author.
Assistant:
No, no... we don't have Rarnaby Budge by Charles Dikkens with two 'k's, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time I should add right away that we don't have Carnaby Fudge by Darles Tikkens, nor Stickwick Stapers by Mile Pikkens with four 'm's and a silent 'q', why don't you try the chemist?
Customer:
I have... they sent me here.
Assistant:
Did they.
Customer:
I wonder if you have The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stoat-Pamphlet and Her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Among the Giant Pygmies of Corsica, Volume Two?
Assistant:
No, no we don't have that one... funny, we've got quite a lot of books here.
Customer:
Yes, haven't you.
Assistant:
Well, I mustn't keep you standing around all day.
Customer:
I wonder...
Assistant:
No, no, we haven't.... I'm closing for lunch now...
Customer:
But I thought I saw it over there.
Assistant:
Where?
Customer:
Over there.
Assistant:
What?
Customer:
Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds.
Assistant:
Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds?
Customer:
Yes.
Assistant:
O-l-s-e-n?
Customer:
Yes.
Assistant:
B-i-r-d-s?
Customer:
Yes.
Assistant:
Yes, well we do have that one.
Customer:
The expurgated version, of course.
Assistant:
I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Customer:
The expurgated version.
Assistant:
The expurgated version of Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds?
Customer:
Yes. It's the one without the gannet.
Assistant:
The one without the gannet? They've all got the gannet ... it's a standard bird, the gannet... it's in all the books.
Customer:
Well I don't like them, long nasty beaks they've got.
Assistant:
Well you can't expect them to produce a special edition for gannet-haters!
Customer:
Well I'm sorry, I specially want the one without the gannet.
Assistant:
All right! (Tears out the illustration) Anything else?
Customer:
Well I'm not too keen on robins.
Assistant:
Right! Robins... robins... (Tears them out) ...no gannets, no robins... there's your book!
Customer:
I can't buy that... it's torn!
Assistant:
It's torn! So it is! (Throws it away)
Customer:
I wonder if you've got...
Asistant:
Go on, ask me another... we've got lots of books here ... this is a bookshop, you know!
Customer:
How about Biggles Combs His Hair?
Assistant:
No, no, no we don't have that one, no, no, funny... try me again.
Customer:
Have you got Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying?
Assistant:
No, no, we haven't got... which one?
Customer:
Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying.
Assistant:
Ethel the Aardvark? I've seen it We've got it! We've got it! Here! Here! Here! Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying. There! Now... buy it!
Customer:
I haven't got enough money on me.
Assistant:
I'll take a deposit!
Customer:
I haven't got any money on me.
Assistant:
I'll take a cheque!
Customer:
I haven't got a cheque-book.
Assistant:
It's all right, I've got a blank one!
Customer:
I don't have a bank account.
Assistant:
Right! I'll buy it for you! [Rings it up]
There we are, there's your change... that's for the taxi on the way home!
Customer:
Wait, wait, wait...
Assistant:
WHAT? WHAT?
Customer:
I can't read!
Assistant:
Right... SIT!... 'Ethel the Aardvark was trotting down the lane one lovely summer day, trottety-trottety-trot, when she saw a Quantity Surveyor.....'