Mrs Feather: There now! We'll wait for the lift
here. Hold onto Auntie Feather's hand. Excuse me, sir,
could you tell me where I could find bibs?
Man: Bibs?
Mrs Feather: Bibs for babies.
Man: Children's department. Third Floor.
Mrs Feather: Thank you so much.
Child: Daddy!
Mrs Feather: Ssh! The gentleman isn't daddy, dear.
No! You can't have a bull's-eye now! Put it back in the bag
- here's the lift coming. Now when auntie says 'go', you
must jump with her into the lift.
Lift Girl: Ground floor - street level. Slippers -
kippers - bloaters - floaters - camp beds - caramels -
underwear - overwear - anywhere ... Going down, please!
Mrs Feather: One, two, three - Go! Quick! Hold on
to auntie! Jump!
Lift Girl: Going down.
Mrs Feather: Going up?
Lift Girl: Going down!
Mrs Feather: Are you stopping at bibs?
Lift Girl: I beg your pardon?
Mrs Feather: Can you drop me at mibs, biss,
please? Bibs for babies - third floor?
Lift Girl: This lift is going DOWN, modom!
Mrs Feather: Going down... why didn't you say so
before we got in, miss? I distinctly asked for... I said...
Come out, Ethne... Quick!... Come on...
Lift Girl: Going down, please.
Mrs Feather: We'll stand here and wait for the
next... Heavens! The child! Don't move your lift, miss! The
child's in it! You've got the child in there that isn't
yours, miss!
Lift Girl: What exactly do you mean, modom?
Mrs Feather: My little niece... My little Ethne...
You've got her behind the bars - in the cage - the lift...
Lift Girl: This one?
Mrs Feather: No. The smaller one. The one with the
pimples... Behind the gentleman with gaiters. Come out at
once, Ethne! Hand her out to me, someone...
Lift Girl: You really must be more careful, modom.
There's your child. Going down, please.
Mrs Feather: Naughty little girl! You gave auntie
an awful fright! You must always jump when you see auntie
jump. Auntie won't buy you a bib if you do that again.
Child: Don't want a bib - want a fire-engine.
Mrs Feather You can't have a fire-engine - you
haven't got a fire. You need a bib - you've got a cold.
Lift Girl: Going up, please! Going up!
Mrs Feather: Come on! Give me your hand! Put that
bull's-eye away. No! Not in your mouth - take it out! -
take it right out!... Auntie didn't say 'spit' it out -
that's very naughty! ... Pick it up! ... Put it back -
Lift Girl: Pass right across the lift, please.
Mrs Feather No, not back in your mouth! Oh, dear -
Lift Girl: Full right up!
Mrs Feather: Look! There's that lift! Wait, miss!
Wait! ... Ethne -
Lift Girl: Full right up, modom. Take the next
one, please.
Mrs Feather: The next one! That's extremely
annoying! You see what you've done? You've made Auntie
Feather miss the bus - the lift. Excuse me, sir, can you
tell me what time the next lift is due? Is it a fairly
regular service? Do they run smooth? Are they - er -
Lift Girl: (In the distance.) Going down... going
down...
Mrs Feather: Oh! I see one over there!... Cone on,
Ethne! ... Quick! ... Lift! Lift! Wait for us! ... Oh dear,
we've missed it!... they dodge up and down so quickly! ...
A mere flash in the pan! Can you tell me if one is likely
to rise up here?
Man: I'm afraid I'm a stranger in these parts.
Mrs Feather: Ah, yes! of Course!
Child: Daddy!
Mrs Feather: Leave the gentleman alone, darling.
(Laughs) I'm so sorry! The child thinks every one
is her daddy. You mustn't call the strange gentleman daddy,
dear. It's not very nice for your mother.
Lift Girl: Going up... going up...
Mrs Feather: Taxi!... Lift!... miss!... Wait! Let
us in please! Follow me, Ethne!... Quick!
Lift Girl: Pass right across the lift, please!
Would you mind facing the other way, modom, please, I can't
close the doors.
Mrs Feather: Oh! I'm sorry! I wondered who was
pinching me! Just a minute - it's so crowded, I can't turn
round.... There we are.... Wait, miss, the little child!
The child's been left on the platform! Open the gates,
please.... Ethne!... There she is, holding on to a strange
man! Come back here at once, Ethne! Leave that gentleman
alone!
Lift Girl: Hurry, please, modom! ... Thank yew!
Mrs Feather: You're causing auntie a lot of
trouble! Jumping about irrespectively like that - you
mustn't do it - you must stick to auntie, whatever happens.
Lift Girl: First floor, please! Cuttelleree -
haberdasheree - langeree - lamp-shades - linos - pillows -
arsbestoes.
Mrs Feather: Bibs?
Man: Would you mind removing your child, madam? I
want to get out here.
Child: Daddy!
Mrs Feather: Let go of the gentleman's leg, Ethne!
Man: Thank you.
Lift Girl: Going up!
Mrs Feather: We haven't missed bibs, miss, have
we?
Lift Girl: Second floor! Gaiters - wafers -
hardwear - softwear - boys - toys - bedsteads - bom-boms -
eggs and bacon.
Woman: Is this right for china?
Mrs Feather: Dear me! Have we got as far as that?
Lift Girl: First turning to the right, through the
woollens, out into the sports, left under the subway,
through the garden rakes, underneath the arches, up the
steps into the annexe, and opposite the powder-puffs,
you'll find china.
Mrs Feather: What about bibs, miss?
Lift Girl: Any more second floor?
Mrs Feather: BIBS, miss! I demand an answer!
Lift Girl: I beg your pardon?
Mrs Feather: Mibbs, biss? ... Er, biss, mibbs - er
bibs - for babies?
Child: Don't want a bib - want a fire-engine.
Mrs Feather: Get off the floor at once, Ethne!
Jumping all over the place, and now sitting everywhere!
Lift Girl: Going up! Next floor! Hosiery - aviary
- cemetery - bats - balls - pants - pests - frills and
furbelows.
Mrs Feather: (Confidentially) Excuse me, sir, but
did you notice if she mentioned bibs amongst that lot?
Frenchman: Pardon? Je ne comprends pas!
Mrs Feather: Ah! You're a foreigner in these
parts! Ye - er - cherche - le beeb - pour le petite er -
niece. ...Je ne savais pas - ou er -
Frenchman: Ah! Oui, oui.
Mrs Feather: (Laughs) Oui - pour baby -
Frenchman: Aha! Oui!
Child: Daddy!
Mrs Feather: Don't touch the gentleman, Ethne,
he's foreign.
Lift Girl: Going down! Mind the step, please!
Going down! Anyone for the second floor, please? Going
down!
Mrs Feather: Going down! I thought this lift was
going up?
Lift Girl: It's going down now, modom. Anyone for
the second floor?
Mrs Feather: But when did we start in the downward
path ... I mean the descent - the -er ... No one told me we
were changing out tactics - our - er ... Well, then, what
about bibs, miss?
Lift Girl: Bibs?
Mrs Feather: Bibs for babies.
Lift Girl: Children's department. Third floor.
You've missed it, modom. Second floor! Mind the step,
please! Going down!
Mrs Feather:Then you must have skipped the third
floor, miss!! This is very serious for me! I distinctly
said I wanted bibs. I made no bones about it! You mentioned
the names of all the articles except mine!
Lift Girl: Pass right across the lift, please.
Thank yew!
Mrs Feather: I insist upon being dropped at the
next station! I shall find my way to the bibs on foot. I'm
beginning to feel quite sea-sick with all this bobbing up
and down. This lift has a most unpleasant action.
Lift Girl: First floor! Any one for the first
floor?
Mrs Feather: Certainly! Me and my niece. Come on,
Ethne! What are you doing? You wicked child! Your
bull's-eyes - all over the floor! Pick them up! Every one
of them! ... There's one on the lady's muff - and some more
in her umbrella.
Lift Girl: Can't wait all day, modom! Going down,
please!
Mrs Feather: Don't sink, miss! We want to get out!
Lift Girl: Going down, please!
Mrs Feather: I shall hold you personally
responsible if we miss the next landing stage! Hurling us
up and down like this with no provocation whatsoever!
That's two floors we've missed, thanks to you!
Child: I want my bull's-eyes -
Lift Girl: Ground floor - street level!
Mrs Feather Taking me all the way to the bibs,
and then not letting me get at them! Come on, Ethne! -
let's get out of this! - I'm going to find someone to
report this driver to.
Lift Girl: Going up! Going up!
Child: My bull's-eyes!
Lift Girl: Pass right down the lift, please. Thank
yew! Going up!
Mrs Feather: Come on, Ethne. Good heavens! Where
is she? Where's the child? She's gone back into the lift
after her bull's-eyes!... Stop, miss... stop! Hi! Oh dear,
it's gone!
Lift Girl: (Voice fading) Cuttelleree -
haberdashereee - langeree ...
Mrs Feather: Where's another lift? I must catch
her up in another lift! Excuse me, sir, can you tell me
where another lift is likely to crop up?
Man: Well, I'm afraid I -
Mrs Feather Don't tell me - I know - you're a
stranger in these parts!
Lift Girl: Going up! Going up!
Mrs Feather Are you going up, miss?
Lift Girl: Yes, modom - going up.
Mrs Feather: Let me in! Quick! Follow that lift -
the one next to you - as fast as you can go!
Lift Girl: What's that?
Mrs Feather: I have a niece in it - a little niece
- she jumped in - after her bull's-eyes. Quick! Quick,
miss!
Lift Girl: Pass right across the lift, please.
Mrs Feather: I must catch her up, miss! She
belongs to her mother - she was only lent to me! ... You
understand - as fast as you can go! ... I'll see that
you're rewarded ... (Fade)
Lift Girl: (Fade) Cuttelleree - haberdashereee -
langeree ...
