In The Box!

james This is the famous routine performed by the great Jimmy James and his two "discoveries", Hutton Conyers and Bretton Woods. The cast changed over the years, but the tall, bony stammering Eli Woods became a fixture as Bretton. Roy Castle put his solo career on hold to play Hutton for a while.

Jimmy and Eli are approached by Hutton Conyers, an odd young man in hat, curly wig and ankle-length coat. He has a box under his arm.

 
 
Hutton C:
Hey! Are you putting it around that I'm barmy?
Jimmy J:
No, no it's not me.
Hutton C:
Well, someone's putting it around that I'm barmy. (Nods in Eli's direction) Is it him?
Jimmy J:
I'll ask him (to Eli) Is it you that's putting it around that he's barmy?
Bretton W:
I don't want any.
Jimmy J:
He doesn't want any.
Bretton W:
How much are they?
Jimmy J:
How much are - no - never mind, it's not him.
Hutton C:
Well somebody's putting it around that I'm barmy.
Jimmy J:
Did you want to keep it a secret? Listen, your face is very familiar - where have I seen you before?
Hutton C:
Oh, I'm out of there now!
Jimmy J:
Oh, that's where I saw you, in there. I didn't know I'd been in. I know I won't be long with you two. No, I've seen you making a political speech somewhere.
Hutton C:
Oh yeah. I'm a member of Parliament.
Jimmy J:
What are you, Conservative, Labour or Democrat?
Hutton C:
Yes.
Jimmy J:
Well it's nice to know we've got one. (To Eli) We've got one.
Bretton W:
Have we?
Jimmy J:
When I look at you, I think we've got two.
Hutton C:
I've been away you know.
Jimmy J:
It doesn't show.
Hutton C:
I've been to Africa, I was very popular in Africa. Just before I came home they gave me a lovely present.
Jimmy J:
What did they give you?
Hutton C:
Two man eating lions.
Jimmy J:
Real lions? Did you fetch'em home? Where do you keep them?
Hutton C:
(indicating box) In this box.
Jimmy J:
(to Eli) Go and get two coffees, one with strychnine in.
Hutton C:
Are you telling him about the lions?
Jimmy J:
Oh yes, you've got two lions in that box. Are they in there now?
Hutton C:
Yes.
Jimmy J:
I thought I heard a rustling. (To Eli) He's got two lions in that box.
Bretton W:
How much are they?
Jimmy J:
He doesn't want to sell them.
Hutton C:
I've been to Nyasaland as well.
Jimmy J:
Ah, they're nice people, the Nyasas. I'll bet they gave you a present.
Hutton C:
They did. They gave me a Giraffe.
Jimmy J:
Did you bring the giraffe home?
Hutton C:
Yes.
Jimmy J:
I don't like to ask him. Where do you keep the giraffe?
Hutton C:
In the box.
Jimmy J:
(To Eli) Get on the phone! Nine-nine-nine - I'll keep him here. Somebody must be looking for him.
Hutton C:
Are you telling him about the giraffe?
Jimmy J:
Yes - he's got a giraffe in that box.
Bretton W:
Is it black or white?
Jimmy J:
Our Eli wants to know what colour the giraffe is.
Bretton W:
No, the coffee I mean.
Jimmy J:
Your mother would have been better off with a set of spoons.
Hutton C:
I've been to India as well.
Jimmy J:
Oh hell, he's been all over! I bet they gave you a good present.
Hutton C:
Yes.
Jimmy J:
What did they give you?
Hutton C:
An elephant.
Jimmy J:
Male or Female?
Hutton C:
No, an elephant.
Jimmy J:
I don't suppose it makes any difference to you whether it's male or female.
Bretton W:
It wouldn't make any d-d-difference to anyone, only another elephant.
Jimmy J:
I'll stop you going to those youth clubs.
Bretton W:
Ask him where he keeps the elephant. Go on.
Jimmy J:
Our Eli wants to know where you keep the elephant. In the box?
Hutton C:
Oh, don't be silly. You couldn't get an elephant in there.
Jimmy J:
(To Eli) Why don't you mind your own damn business? You couldn't get an elephant in there, there's no room!
Bretton W:
You could ask the g-g-giraffe to move over a bit.
Hutton C:
He's crackers.
Jimmy J:
It'd be a photo finish between the two of you.
Hutton C:
I keep the elephant in a cage.
Jimmy J:
In a cage, of course. Where do you keep the cage?
Omnes:
IN THE BOX!