While Monty Python's Flying Circus was still gestating in the minds and under the pens of Messrs. Cleese, Jones, Palin, Idle, Chapman and Gilliam, Spike Milligan's "Q" series exploded onto the country's screens, and shocked them by accomplishing most of the goals they had hoped to achieve. Spike abolished punch-lines, sketches segued from one to another for no good reason. "Q" was probably the closest Spike came to realising his lunatic vision, with the able assistance of such as Bob Todd, John Bluthal, Peter Jones, David Lodge, Alan Clare, Keith Smith, Julia Breck and Jenny Lee Wright. As we all know, the Pythons rallied masterfully, but it was "Q" that showed them the way to go.

Spike:

Good evening. Welcome to Q6, the show that keeps the rain off.

Adjacent to Spike is a newsdesk. On it is a parcel. He walks to desk. Shows he is wearing no trousers.

Spike:

It's from Princess Anne. (Opens box and reads card} 'Spike darling. I always send you one of these when you do a TV series, wear it for me.'

He takes awful false nose from box, puts it on.

Spike:

Isn't Royalty wonderful? Thanks, Anne. And Mark don't take it too bad, you've always got the horses.

Height Sketch. A front door. Next to it a man is strangling a man while a second man hits him on the head. Man being strangled wears a Princess Anne gift nose.

Policeman:

Mrs Terrible?

Woman:

Yes.

Policeman:

Wife of Ivan Terrible, the one who works on the oil rigs in dangerous shark-infested waters during raging force 9 gales?

Woman:

Yes… is it bad news?

Policeman:

Yes, very bad… my wife's run off with a burglar (Cries).

Woman:

There, there, I'll give you some good news… Princess Anne will be 25 on the 15th August.

Policeman:

(smiles) I do believe I feel better already. (Looks at men strangling each other). I wonder if these men know Princess Anne will be 25 on the 15th August.
Do you know these people?

Woman:

The one that's being strangled is my lodger. I don't know the other two.

Policeman blows whistle. The two assailants immediately shout.

Assailant:

Look out… he's got a whistle.

They run to corner and take out their own whistles. There follows a whistle battle. Peeping round corner and blowing.
Cut back to policeman hiding in doorway blowing his whistle back. Several more police whistles are heard approaching. They all take up whistle blowing positions.

Assailant:

Don't blow any more, copper, we give up.

Policeman:

Throw out your whistles and come out with yer hands over your ears.

The assailants throw their whistles in, and come out with hands over ears.

Policeman:

(to camera) But I had made a grave mistake. These two men were in fact plainclothes policemen, and they were apprehending a plainclothes criminal.

Original man who was being strangled speaks.

Man:

(to camera) Yes, you see, I am six feet tall, but I was in a five feet nine zone.

Policeman:

Therefore I cautioned him so (turns to man): Sir, you are exceeding the legal height by inches three.

Man:

I want to see a lawyer.

Policeman hands hm a telescope that he immediately clasps to his eye.

Policeman:

There's one in that window up there.

Cut to a courtroom. The whole court is built crushed together. The judge's box is almost on top of the witness box. In the witness box is the accused. suspended by a Kirby wire, that can pull him up in the upright position. He wears a long raincoat that will be about twenty feet long. The desired effect is that when he is hoisted 20 feet, the coat will unfold, the bottom half still on the floor of the witness box. The accused wears a Princess Anne gift nose.

Defence:

M'lud, my client admits being six foot in a five foot nine area.

All the cast go into overacted mumbles of surprise.

Judge:

(bangs desk with mallet that breaks in two) Silence, I will not have overacting in my court. (Looks at camera and smiles.)

Defence:

I appeal to camera three, my client claims mitigating circumstances. He was drunk, and lost control of his height.

Judge:

Did you get a doctor's report>

Defence:

No, we got a builder's estimate.

Judge:

Why?

Defence:

It was cheaper, and can a lady with a wooden leg change a pound note?

Judge:

Yes.

Defence:

No.

Judge:

Why not?

Defence:

She's only got half a nicker.

Colossal burst of canned laughter.

Judge:

Silence, I will not have canned laughter in my court. (returns to judge character) Now, will you explain why your client is wearing that ridiculous nose?

Defence:

He's in love with Princess Anne, your Hon.

Judge:

Is that why you're wearing one?

Defence:

Yes, M'lud.

Judge:

Why is yours bigger?

Defence:

I've known her longer.

Judge:

Ronald Biggs, of no fixed trousers, you are accused of being illegally tall in Lewisham. How do you plead?

Accused:

I plead like this.

Immediately snow starts to fall. Next to him in the box, a poverty-stricken woman with black headshawl holding a bundle stands up and cries.

Music: Theme from Tchaikovsky's 'Romeo and Juliet'

Accused:

(goes into terrible overacting sadness) I've got a wife and ten kids and she's in the club again. I was at Dunkirk, I had it shot off…

Judger:

I'm sorry, your plea has failed to get the maximum number of points. Ronald Biggs, inside leg 32, I sentence you to be hung by the neck until you are inside leg sixty-seven. Do you plead guilty or not guilty?

Here he is hauled up twenty feet shouting.

Accused:

I am innocent, innocent!

Defence:

My client has gone to a higher court.