Dud & Pete, sitting at a round pub table, 'having a couple of drinks'

Dud:    All right, then, Pete, are you?

Pete:    Not too bad, you know, not too bad ... Cheers.

Dud:    What you been doing lately, then?

Pete:    Well quiet, pretty quiet, not been up to much - I had a spot of the usual trouble the other day.

Dud:    Oh, did you - what happened, then?

Pete:    A spot of the usual trouble - well, I come home about half- past eleven - we'd been having a couple of drinks, remember? - I come home about half-past eleven, and, you know, I was feeling a bit tired, so, you know, I thought I'd go to bed, you know, take me clothes off, and so on, you know.

Dud:    'Sright - well, don't you take your clothes off BEFORE you go to bed?

Pete:    Er - no, I made that mistake this time, got it the wrong way round - anyway, I got into bed, settled down, I was just about, you know, reading "The Swiss Family Robinson".

Dud:    Good, ain't it.

Pete:    It's a lovely book, Dud, a lovely book - an' I got up to about page 483, second paragraph, when suddenly - 'bring, bring - bring, bring'.

Dud:    What's that?

Pete:    That's the 'phone, going 'bring, bring'. So I picked up the 'phone, and - you know who it was?

Dud:    Who?

Pete:    Bloody Betty Grable. Calling transatlantic, bloody Betty Grable - I said, 'look, Betty, what do you think you're doing, calling me up half-past eleven at night?' She said 'It's half-past two in the afternoon over here'. I said, 'I don't care what bloody time it is, there's no need to wake ME up'. She said, 'Peter, Peter - get on a plane, come dance with me, be mine tonight'.

Dud:    I thought it was the middle of the afternoon?

Pete:    Yes, what she probably meant was 'be mine tonight tomorrow afternoon our time'.

Dud:    No - didn't she mean tomorrow afternoon - er ...

Pete:    Anyway, 'Be mine tonight' she said - I said, 'Look, Betty - we've had our laughs, we've had our fun, but it's all over'. I said, 'Stop pestering me, get back to Harry James and his trumpet - stop pestering ME' I said. I slammed the 'phone down and said 'Stop pestering me'.

Dud:    Shouldn't you have said 'Stop pestering me' BEFORE you put the 'phone down?

Pete:    I should have, yes ...

Dud:    It's funny you should say that, 'cos a couple of nights ago, you remember, we had a couple of drinks ...

Pete:    I remember that, yes ...

Dud:    ... and I came home, you know, I was going to bed, felt a bit tired - I was having a nightcap ...

Pete:    'Course you were ...

Dud:    ... and I was just dropping off nicely, and all of a sudden I heard this hollering in the kitchen.

Pete:    Hollerin'?

Dud:    And screaming and banging on the door, you know, and I thought I must have left the gas on - so I go down there - I fling open the door - you'll never guess - it's bloody Anna Magnani, up to her knees in rice, screaming at me - 'Lesse more entrate - amore me per favore!'

Pete:    Italian.

Dud:    Italian, yes - she was covered in mud, she grabbed hold of me, she pulled me all over the floor - she had one of them see-through blouses ...

Pete:    All damp, showing everything through it ...

Dud:    ... Yes, and we rolled all over the floor - I hit her, I said 'Get out of here! Get out of here, you Italian ... thing!' I said. 'Get out of here', I said ...

Pete:    'You Italian thing ...' a good thing to call her.

Dud:    Yes ... I said. 'Don't you come here and mess up MY rice again, mate'.

Pete:    I should hope not. I had the same bloody trouble about three nights ago - I come in, about half-past eleven at night, we'd been having a couple of drinks I remember - and I come in, I get into bed, you see, feeling quite sleepy, I could feel the lids of me eyes beginning to droop - a bit of the droop in the eyes - I was just about to drop off, when suddenly, 'tap, tap, tap' at the bloody window pane - I looked out - you know who it was?

Dud:    Who?

Pete: Bloody Greta Garbo! Bloody Greta Garbo - stark naked save for a shortie nightie. She was hanging on to the window sill, and I could see her knuckles all white ... saying 'Pieter, Pieter ...' you know how these bloody Swedes go on - I said 'Get out of it!' - bloody Greta Garbo. She wouldn't go - she wouldn't go, I had to smash her down with a broomstick, poke her off the window sill, she fell down on the pavement with a great crash ...

Dud:    She just had a nightie on, is that all?

Pete:    That's all she had on, Dud, just a ...

Dud:    See-through?

Pete:    ... a see-through, shortie nightie. Nothing else - except for her dark glasses of course. Dreadful business.

Dud:    Well, it's funny you should say that ...

Pete:    Yes, it's funny I should say that.

Dud:    ... four nights ago, I come home, we'd been having a couple of drinks ...

Pete:    Couple of drinks, yes ...

Dud:    ... I come home, I come through the door, and - sniff - sniff, sniff, I went - you know - funny smell, I thought, smells like wood burning ...

Pete:    Probably burning wood, Dud.

Dud:    What's that?

Pete:    'Burning Wood' - that's a perfume worn by sensual, earthy women.

Dud:    Funny you should say that, because I come in the bathroom, you know, I thought, 'bit stronger here', you know, 'sfunny - I come in the bedroom - it's getting ridiculous, this smell, you know, so I get into bed, you know, turn the covers back - it's a bit warm in bed - I thought, 'funny', you know, being warm like that - and - I get into bed, I put out the light - and, I was just going off to kip - and suddenly I feel a hand on my cheek.

Pete:    Which cheek was that, Dud? ... Come on - which cheek was it?

Dud:    It was the left upper. I said, I thought, you know, 'funny' ... I turned on the light - bloody hand here, scarlet fingernails ...

Pete:    Who was it?

Dud:    You'll never guess - bloody Jane Russell.

Pete:    Jane Russell?

Dud:    Jane Russell, in bed with me, stark naked - I said 'Jane' ...

Pete:    With the huge ...

Dud:    With the things ... I said, 'Jane', I said, 'get out of here' ...

Pete:    Get out ...

Dud:    'Get out of here', I said, 'you may be mean, moody and magnificent, but as far as I'm concerned, it's all over'. So I threw her down - I took her out of bed, threw her down the stairs - I threw her bra and her - er - gauze panties after her, I threw them down ... and the green silk scarf ... I said 'Get out of here! Get out of here, you hussy!' ... I threw her fag-holder - I threw a bucket of water over her, I said 'Get out of here, you hussy!' - I said, 'don't come in my bed again, mate, it's disgusting!' Terrible ... I was shocked to the quick.

Pete:    You're quite right, you got to do something about these bloody women who pester you ...

Dud:    What you doing tonight, then?

Pete:    Well ... I thought we might go to the pictures.