Home Page >>
The Travel Agent
This sketch, sent to me by 'Malc' (many thanks, Malc!), features three of the four regular script writers engaged on the 1968-69 television series, 'Marty'. So it's something of a puzzle as to who was the author of the following — Tim Brook-Taylor, Marty Feldman, John Junkin or Graham Chapman?
A little old man, and his little old wife enter shop. The old man picks up a handbell from the desk and rings it, violently, in the Travel Agent's ear. He then 'pings' desk top hotel-style bell.
- Travel Agent:
- (John Junkin) What did you do that for?
- Old Man:
- (Marty Feldman) We wanted to see the Travel Agent.
- Old Woman:
- (Tim Brooke-Taylor) The Travel Agent.
- Old Man:
- Travel Agent...
- Travel Agent:
- I am the travel agent.
- Old Man:
- (shocked) Oh!
- Old Woman:
- Oh!
- Old Man:
- Why aren't you wearing your hat then? Frightening people like that...
- Travel Agent:
- What hat?
- Old Man:
- The hat with "Travel Agent" written on it! You might be anybody, you might be a murderer!
- Travel Agent:
- No no no, because then I'd have a hat with "Murderer" on it, wouldn't I.
- Old Woman:
- Yes so you would, yes.
- Travel Agent:
- (stifled exasperation) How can I help?
- Old Man:
- Well my wife and I would like to see the Edinburgh Festival.
- Old Woman:
- Edinburgh Festival...
- Old Man:
- Edinburgh Festival...
- Travel Agent:
- How would you like to go?
- Old Woman:
- Er - sorry, could you repeat that question?
- Travel Agent:
- (as if talking to a very slow schoolchild) How would you like to travel?
- Old Man:
- Don't know.
- Old Woman:
- Neither do I. What's the answer?
- Travel Agent:
- I am not asking you a riddle, madam, I am seeking information. Do you want to go by train, plane or coach?
- Old Woman & Old Man:
- (together) No.
- Travel Agent:
- No WHAT?
- Old Woman & Old Man:
- (together) Thank you.
- Travel Agent:
- That's better (begins to tear hair, composes himself). I mean no, what?
- Old Man:
- Definitely not, we don't want to travel...
- Old Woman:
- No.
- Travel Agent:
- But you've got to travel!
- Old Man:
- Don't you order me about, young man!
- Travel Agent:
- Look, you want to see the Edinburgh Festival?
- Old Man:
- Yes, yes...
- Old Woman:
- We want to see the Edinburgh Festival...
- Old Man:
- Edinburgh Festival...
- Travel Agent:
- (triumphantly) Therefore you have got to travel to Edinburgh!
- Old Man:
- Why?
- Old Woman:
- Yes, answer that, young man, you're so clever!
- Old Man:
- Ah! Ah! Ah!
- Travel Agent:
- Because Edinburgh is the only place that has an Edinburgh Festival!
- Old Man:
- Isn't there one in London?
- Travel Agent:
- (voice quivering) No there isn't.
- Old Man:
- Look! Look! Look!
- Old Woman:
- Look!
- Old Man:
- I fought in the first world war...
- Old Woman:
- Yes he did.
- Old Man:
- Yes...
- Old Woman:
- And he was wounded...
- Old Man:
- Yes.
- Old Woman:
- Had his brain blown out...
- Old Man:
- Brain blown out...
- Travel Agent:
- (exasperated, beginning to shriek) That is as may be! Neverthe... (composes himself). Nevertheless, Edinburgh is the only place that has got an Edinburgh Festival
- Old Man:
- Look! Look! Look!
- Old Woman:
- Look!
- Old Man:
- I was on the Jarrow March...
- Old Woman:
- Yes yes, his nostrils went raw.
- Old Man:
- Raw!
- Old Woman:
- Raw!
- Travel Agent:
- Look! Look! (becoming slightly hysterical) I cannot move Edinburgh!
- Old Man:
- Look! Look! Look!
- Old Woman:
- Look!
- Old Man:
- She was wounded in the Second World War! A V2 hit her on the 'ead.
- Old Woman:
- Right on the 'ead...
- Old Man:
- Right on the 'ead - look!
- Travel Agent:
- I don't believe this!
- Old Man:
- You tell this to the younger generation they'd run you over in their sports cars, thanks we get...
- Travel Agent:
- Look you stupid old fool..
- Old Man:
- Oh!
- Travel Agent:
- (emphasising each word with a thump on the desk) I - can't - shift - Edinburgh!
- Old Woman:
- Stupid old fool?
- Old Man:
- There's gratitude...
- Old Woman:
- He died in the war for people like you...
- Old Man:
- I did, yes, I did.
- Old Woman:
- He and Arthur Stoatbridge...
- Old Man:
- Arthur...
- Travel Agent:
- Arthur Stoatbridge?!
- Old Woman:
- HE was a gentleman.
- Old Man:
- Arthur was. And a murderer...
- Old Woman:
- He wouldn't have stood for any of your nonsense.
- Old Man:
- No.
- Old Woman:
- He would have bitten your throat out.
- Old Man:
- He would have done. Arthur was a gentleman.
- Old Woman:
- He was, yes
- Old Man:
- He made the finest vanilla blancmange outside of Leamington.
- Old Woman:
- And and and he took no truck from darkies, and I'll tell you one thing, he could, he could, he could juggle with rats...
- Old Man:
- (moving towards the door) Well thank you! And we won't forget the mattress...
Travel Agent is a quivering, gibbering wreck by now. Cut to the old couple, outside now
- Old Man:
- Well that was fun, wasn't it?
- Old Woman:
- Yes, now let's go and destroy the grocer.
- Old Man:
- Right.