Hand Up Your Sticks

 

The characters are the Robber, played by Kenneth Williams using a variant on his 'Snide' character voice, and the Victim, who is rather blah and not unlike a certain Hercules Grytpype-Thynn. Lance Percival plays him on the recording I have.

The Robber:
(to himself, rehearsing) Hands up! This is a holdup! This is a holdup - hands up! Hold up your hands, this is a stickup - stick up your hands, this is a holdup! Gimme the money. Ooh, I must get that right! Gimme the money! Hands up, this is a stickup, gimme the money - hands up, this is a stickup, gimme the money... Hands up; this is a stickup; give me the money! Oh yes, that's it! (rapid) Hands up, this is a stickup, gimme the money. Hands up, this is a stickup, gimme the money. Hands up, this is a stickup, gimme the money - that's it.

FX: Door opens, sound of running feet

The Robber:
Hold hands! This is an upstick! Up with your sticks, this is a hand-hold!
The Victim:
(very cool) I beg your pardon?
The Robber:
I mean this is a stickup - a hold-stick.
The Victim:
A hold-stick?
The Robber:
I mean a hand-stick...
The Victim:
Oh I see, you mean this is a holdup.
The Robber:
Yes, that's right, it's a holdup, yes. Up with your hands and give me your money.
The Victim:
How?
The Robber:
What d'you mean, 'how'?
The Victim:
How do I give you the money with my hands up?
The Robber:
Well, you put your hands up and give me the m... no, you give me the money and then put your ha... Oh, I don't know, work it out for yourself - but give me the money.
The Victim:
No, I don't think I will.
The Robber:
Come on!
The Victim:
Well why should I?
The Robber:
I've got a gun, stupid.
The Victim:
Yes...
The Robber:
And it's loaded...
The Victim:
Yes?
The Robber:
With real bullets... if I fire it, you'll be dead - all sprawled out on the floor - dead!
The Victim:
Well, go on then - shoot me.
The Robber:
Do you mean that?
The Victim:
Yes.
The Robber:
What, cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die?
The Victim:
Cross my heart, and hope to die.
The Robber:
Oh - stop messin' about! Gimme the money.
The Victim:
No.
The Robber:
But you don't understand - I don't want to shoot you.
The Victim:
Mm, I know that.
The Robber:
You see, you're s'posed to be terrified of my threats..
The Victim:
I see.
The Robber:
...and I waggle the gun, and you give me the money.
The Victim:
Hmm.
The Robber:
And then I run out with the bag.
The Victim:
Of course.
The Robber:
But if I take the wrong one, you call me back and give me the right one.
The Victim:
Yes.
The Robber:
Alright then, shall we do it again?
The Victim:
Right.
The Robber:
Right, close your eyes. I won't go all the way out - I'll just go a little way...

Footsteps away and return, quickly

The Robber:
Up with your hands, and gimme your money!

An alarm bell starts to ring and fades under...

The Robber:
(over) Ooh! What d'you press that for? It's the alarm bell!
The Victim:
I know.
The Robber:
Ooh - the police'll be round here any minute!
The Victim:
Well, you'd better be quick!
The Robber:
They'll take me away and put me in prison...
The Victim:
(beginning to lose his cool at last) Well hurry up and go away then!
The Robber:
What - without the money?
The Victim:
Yes - hurry - they'll be here in a moment...
The Robber:
No. I won't go!
The Victim:
Get on, you idiot - I don't want you to go to prison!
The Robber:
I know you don't.
The Victim:
Well go away, then.
The Robber:
No - I'm not going.
The Victim:
Go on!
The Robber:
No.
The Victim:
Go on!
The Robber:
Won't.
The Victim:
Go on!
The Robber:
Shan't.
The Victim:
Oh all right then. Take the money
The Robber:
Thanks!

Footsteps running away...