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Hand Up Your Sticks
The characters are the Robber, played by Kenneth Williams using a variant on his 'Snide' character voice, and the Victim, who is rather blah and not unlike a certain Hercules Grytpype-Thynn. Lance Percival plays him on the recording I have.
- The Robber:
- (to himself, rehearsing) Hands up! This is a holdup! This is a holdup - hands up! Hold up your hands, this is a stickup - stick up your hands, this is a holdup! Gimme the money. Ooh, I must get that right! Gimme the money! Hands up, this is a stickup, gimme the money - hands up, this is a stickup, gimme the money... Hands up; this is a stickup; give me the money! Oh yes, that's it! (rapid) Hands up, this is a stickup, gimme the money. Hands up, this is a stickup, gimme the money. Hands up, this is a stickup, gimme the money - that's it.
-
FX: Door opens, sound of running feet
- The Robber:
- Hold hands! This is an upstick! Up with your sticks, this is a hand-hold!
- The Victim:
- (very cool) I beg your pardon?
- The Robber:
- I mean this is a stickup - a hold-stick.
- The Victim:
- A hold-stick?
- The Robber:
- I mean a hand-stick...
- The Victim:
- Oh I see, you mean this is a holdup.
- The Robber:
- Yes, that's right, it's a holdup, yes. Up with your hands and give me your money.
- The Victim:
- How?
- The Robber:
- What d'you mean, 'how'?
- The Victim:
- How do I give you the money with my hands up?
- The Robber:
- Well, you put your hands up and give me the m... no, you give me the money and then put your ha... Oh, I don't know, work it out for yourself - but give me the money.
- The Victim:
- No, I don't think I will.
- The Robber:
- Come on!
- The Victim:
- Well why should I?
- The Robber:
- I've got a gun, stupid.
- The Victim:
- Yes...
- The Robber:
- And it's loaded...
- The Victim:
- Yes?
- The Robber:
- With real bullets... if I fire it, you'll be dead - all sprawled out on the floor - dead!
- The Victim:
- Well, go on then - shoot me.
- The Robber:
- Do you mean that?
- The Victim:
- Yes.
- The Robber:
- What, cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die?
- The Victim:
- Cross my heart, and hope to die.
- The Robber:
- Oh - stop messin' about! Gimme the money.
- The Victim:
- No.
- The Robber:
- But you don't understand - I don't want to shoot you.
- The Victim:
- Mm, I know that.
- The Robber:
- You see, you're s'posed to be terrified of my threats..
- The Victim:
- I see.
- The Robber:
- ...and I waggle the gun, and you give me the money.
- The Victim:
- Hmm.
- The Robber:
- And then I run out with the bag.
- The Victim:
- Of course.
- The Robber:
- But if I take the wrong one, you call me back and give me the right one.
- The Victim:
- Yes.
- The Robber:
- Alright then, shall we do it again?
- The Victim:
- Right.
- The Robber:
- Right, close your eyes. I won't go all the way out - I'll just go a little way...
-
Footsteps away and return, quickly
- The Robber:
- Up with your hands, and gimme your money!
-
An alarm bell starts to ring and fades under...
- The Robber:
- (over) Ooh! What d'you press that for? It's the alarm bell!
- The Victim:
- I know.
- The Robber:
- Ooh - the police'll be round here any minute!
- The Victim:
- Well, you'd better be quick!
- The Robber:
- They'll take me away and put me in prison...
- The Victim:
- (beginning to lose his cool at last) Well hurry up and go away then!
- The Robber:
- What - without the money?
- The Victim:
- Yes - hurry - they'll be here in a moment...
- The Robber:
- No. I won't go!
- The Victim:
- Get on, you idiot - I don't want you to go to prison!
- The Robber:
- I know you don't.
- The Victim:
- Well go away, then.
- The Robber:
- No - I'm not going.
- The Victim:
- Go on!
- The Robber:
- No.
- The Victim:
- Go on!
- The Robber:
- Won't.
- The Victim:
- Go on!
- The Robber:
- Shan't.
- The Victim:
- Oh all right then. Take the money
- The Robber:
- Thanks!
-
Footsteps running away...